Harvard experts Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis say that feeling more loved in relationships is less about changing oneself and more about changing the way conversations are approached, according to a March 19 statement. Their advice is excerpted from their book, “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.”
The topic matters because many people struggle with feeling valued or loved in their personal relationships. Lyubomirsky and Reis argue that common advice such as “just be yourself” can be misleading if it leads people to hide their true selves or focus too much on making a good impression.
They write, “The paradox is that feeling loved is earned not through achieving perfection but through presenting more of your full self — your values, experiences, quirks, and dreams, even the small, unpolished details of your daily life.” They add that sharing struggles and imperfections can also build connection but caution against oversharing too quickly. Instead, they recommend selectively revealing parts of oneself to foster genuine connection.
Lyubomirsky and Reis say that years of research show trying to persuade others to love you by hiding flaws or focusing on impressing them is ineffective. Instead, they suggest a three-step process: share the complexity of your full self; ensure the other person notices what you’ve shared; and make sure they care about it. To increase the chances of being noticed and cared for, they advise starting by showing curiosity about the other person’s multifaceted self.
They introduce the concept of the “Relationship Sea-Saw,” where giving undivided attention helps others feel seen and valued. This approach encourages reciprocity—when one person feels understood and accepted, they are likely to respond in kind. “In this way,” they write, “the act of truly knowing and loving someone else becomes the very thing that opens the door for you to feel truly known and loved in return.”
The authors conclude that feeling loved is within everyone’s control if individuals shift how they engage in conversations with loved ones. They state: “Because the secret to feeling more loved is not about changing yourself or about changing the other person — it’s about changing the conversation.”
